I’m so mad at myself right now.
See, I was at Blissdom this past weekend. In case you forgot or something.
In a word, it was amazing. Inspiring, life-affirming, heart-expanding, and generally awesome all around.
However.
I didn’t take a single picture of any of the people I was there with.
There’s a photo of me and Frelle. And I posed with several gorgeous ladies against a brick wall on Thursday night.
That’s…it.
I hate myself.
But that’s not the point of this post. Not entirely, anyway.
See, while I attended some wonderful and informative sessions, there was one which really stuck out for me. The session was led by Jeff Goins.
Now, Jeff, I’m gonna level with you here and I hope you don’t think less of me for it. I took one look at you and thought “This kid is leading a session?”. Because you’ve been blessed with a youthful countenance and, well, I don’t always associate youth with wisdom.
As is often the case, I was wrong. Because you rocked my world. In a “we made no physical contact whatsoever so my husband can stop thinking bad thoughts right this very minute” sort of way.
See, my friends, something happens when your heart hears the words it’s been whispering to you for so long coming out of someone else’s mouth.
Of course, much like everything in life, what I heard and later read on the worksheet was colored by my own experience.
For two years I’ve been wanting to write about my feelings surrounding the title “caregiver”. I’ve started and stopped more posts than I can count. I wrote the first chapter of a book. I even started up a whole new anonymous blog about a year ago, in an attempt to share some of the mess that lives in my head.
It’s more than that, though. More than getting it out of my head and onto the internet or into a Word doc.
It’s the nagging suspicion that our story could help somebody else. After all, it’s rare that two newlyweds in their early 30′s are called upon to drastically change their lives because a parent becomes ill.
Or is it so rare? See, how do we know until someone shares with us?
But there was the other nagging question of whether people would still like me or want to continue reading my blog if they knew how much I don’t even like myself sometimes. The bitterness I sometimes feel, the sadness and resentment that rises to the surface.
It ain’t pretty.
So after I burst into tears at a table full of strangers (who were beyond sweet and understanding, and I am so grateful), I struggled to get my emotions in check. Just as I stopped crying, the girl to my right touched my arm.
Hers is not my story to tell, but suffice it to say that her story is similar to mine. She told me that by sharing my experience, I helped her realize something about herself.
Whoa. Hold the phone, kids.
That cemented it. It was a done deal from that moment on.
I need to share this, even if it’s not always pretty and smiley and made of chocolate like so many things on my blog are.
I need to open up. It might help someone else do the same.
This situation could be turned into a blessing, an opportunity to reach out and connect with other people in our shoes. We might not be so unique after all.
There could be someone out there, wondering what it would have been like to shop for her own home, missing the days of alone time and last-minute plans. Someone just like me.
But one of us has to get the ball rolling if we’re ever going to find each other.
So thanks, Jeff, for proving me wrong. You rock, by the way.
Have you ever wanted to write about something but felt like you needed to censor yourself? What’s the worst you think could happen if you opened up?
The photos you took were incredible! I didn’t even bring my camera. I had such a hard time holding back the tears in a couple sessions, too.
Steph
Thank you so much! I definitely did a lot of fooling with the camera. Maybe if the surroundings hadn’t been so gorgeous I’d have taken pictures of people!
What an amazing moment! I can’t wait to read more of your story because I think you are a fabulous person. xo
I’m honored – literally. And I was beyond thrilled to meet you! ((BIG HUG))
Wonderful pictures! And I am so happy that you had a good time and went!
I’ll be looking forward to the post and to answer your question yes. There are things that I don’t share with the world and censor because I know exactly how people will react and I am not willing nor ready to deal with it.
Thanks, Jackie!
I totally get it. Sometimes the question “Is it worth the hassle?” stops us in our tracks. I think we all deal with it in one way or another.
I feel that way more often than I like to admit. I think it is amazing you got to take away such a wonderful lesson from Blissdom.
Thanks, Kristen!
wow, Jen. and yes, you need to open up. So do I. we ALL do. i want to know who you really are. all about you! and i’m so glad you wrote this.
we need to count on each other, share with one another, etc…that’s what FRIENDS ARE FOR.
xoxoxo
So many X’s and O’s I can’t even type them all here.
Thanks for this encouragement – thank you so much. And for the record, the same goes double – I want to know more about you too.
What a lovely post, Jen. Jeff really did a wonderful job. I’m sorry we didn’t connect again aftr the opening session. Next year….
Hey, at least we got to sit together in the first place – that’s a great start! You’ll have to let me know if you ever plan that trip to visit the house we talked about – I still have to look it up!
Yes, absolutely, open up. I did recently on something that’s been in my heart and head for 2 years, and the moment I had it all written down, it was as if a burden was lifted. And I shat myself hitting publish but the support and understanding and yes, thank you for writing this, it’s going to help me comments, totally made it worthwhile.
I’m so glad you’ve had that experience and awakening, Jen.
That’s something I talked about with another blogger after the fact – one of the other wonderful ladies at my table. Is the risk worth the reward of having helped someone? The answer is yes.
Thanks always for your support, you lovely you! I’m glad I could at least get a photo with flat you!
I know some of your story and I know you… You need to get it out. I know it’s hard, and I know the troubles and what if’s you face in doing so, but once you hit publish, you’ll feel so much better.
I’m taking some of this post, and what I learned this weekend, and I’ll be writing more of my story too. The parts that I have been censoring. It may cause ripples in our lives, but I need to do it for ME.
Amen, friend. It’s for us. And, honestly, I truly feel that if just one other person goes “Me too!” – well, I know how I would have felt back in the beginning of this odyssey if someone had told me that it was okay to feel how I felt – or at least that they felt the same way too. I hope you write your story and get it all out – we’ll all be here for you.
That is beautiful. I good blogger shares it all…our blogs are about who we are, right? Share away. I am so glad it was an eye-opening experience for you (wish I was there!)
I wish you’d been there, too! I want so much to meet you! And thanks, always.
It’s so wonderful that you were able to take this lesson away from BlissDom! Yes, you never know what someone else is going through. I’m so glad you had a great time!
Thanks girl! I need to meet YOU one day!!!!!!! <- see all the exclamation points? That means I’m serious.
Love this.
I’ve found that if you follow your heart, you will always be the light for someone else.
<3 <3 I'm so happy you had that moment and I am SO glad you snagged me and introduced yourself so that I could hug you and thank you and say hi!! <3
And I’M so grateful that you were so kind to me – though I had a feeling you would be or else why would I still be reading your blog if you were a meanie?
For a conference newbie like myself, especially someone as starstruck as I was when I saw you (it’s the truth), it meant the world that you were so open and sweet. Thank you for making the conference a bit brighter! 
I’m very glad to have stumbled on to your blog from one of Jeff Goins posts. I entered a caregiving situation 5 months ago and it’s turned my life upside down in a not so good way. Naturally, it’s something that is on my mind alot yet I don’t feel I can write about it. I don’t want to offend other family members… I don’t want to reveal how downright ugly I feel on the inside much of the time. I constantly censor myself when I write. And I’m very tired of that! I can hardly wait to read more of your story. Thank you so much for sharing what you have.
Oh my gosh Brooke! I’m so glad you found me, I can’t even describe it. It’s comments like yours which remind me why I want to write about this in the first place.
I feel ugly on the inside too – but you know what? We’re just human. And we need to be kinder to ourselves, especially when so much of our energy is being devoted to someone else. If we were really ugly on the inside we wouldn’t be doing this in the first place, right?
((BIG HUG))
Thanks for your encouraging words. You are absolutely right – - no ugly on the inside
I remember when we took the girl to the Grand Old Opry hotel – did you go on a boat ride? FUN!
I still censor myself. A lot. I need to let that shit go, because it’s not helping anyone.
Glad you are finding that you can.
Jen~I’m so glad you’re going to start writing about this part of your world. And it’s not always pretty, but it is always worth it.
*Applauding.*
Jen, I’m so glad you came away with that level of comfort and determination. Write it. We’ll be here to read it.
Yay! Open up and share it-as much as you can. I know I will be blessed. I’m so glad I met you at lissdom. Your honesty rings out of who you are. (does that eve make sense?) I hope you know what I mean. I’m excited to be on this journey with you.
xo
Andee
There have been a couple times where I was so nervous to click the publish button, but I’ve never regretted it.
When I first opened up about PPD, I was scared to death. But the support I received was nothing short of amazing. Same thing when I first started talking about my mom’s bipolar disorder. I was afraid people wouldn’t like it… that they come to my blog expecting a laugh.
But you are who you are, and we want to see more of YOU.
It was great meeting you this weekend and hanging out. I took plenty of pictures of people, but none of the hotel!
You’re so sweet – thank you. I’m so glad we got to hang out!
Funny how cutthroat the internet can be, and how supportive at the same time. My husband marvels at it all the time. He says “that’s not the internet I know”.
I think the key is to give others a little credit – and know that they’re probably way more supportive of us than we are towards ourselves.
the first thing I want to do after reading this post is to give you a big hug.
I’m grateful for the lightbulb moment you had. Im even more grateful that the women you were sitting with were wonderful to you.
On the subject of picture taking, I’ve been there three times, and from past experience, knew how important it was to grab a picture when I had opportunity. there are so many people there, that you may have five minutes with someone you really connect with one morning, and then never see their face again the whole time you’re at the conference. Im glad I made sure to get a picture with you, and thrilled that we got to spend several dinners together. AND Im still enjoying the coconut eggs
I loved meeting you. We’ve done a lot of chatting about stuff that matters, and I felt immediately comfortable with you in person. You’re welcoming, genuine, gracious, and funny. Your friendship is important to me, and I’m so glad it’s been brought into real life thanks to meeting at Blissdom. I’ll be listening, and sending you wisdom and clarity as you begin to share more of your story.
This? Is stunning, brave, poignant, and ohmygoodness so the point of what we do.
Go. For. it.
You write, I’ll read. Deal?
[...] already told you about my revelation regarding what I write and how much to share with you all – but this is something else [...]