I know I usually do Wellness Wednesday at this time of the week, but with Blissdom banging down my door I wanted to share some of the anxiety I’m feeling.
I remember my first sleepover. It was two doors down from my house, at the home of the girl I was best frenemies with. She was friends with all the “cool girls” in our class and they were invited, too. I felt so out of place, and I look back through adult eyes and know that even my friend’s aunt who was overseeing the party knew I didn’t fit in. I understand now that she rigged it so I would win a game we were playing, just so I could feel better about myself.
Later on, as everyone else whispered and giggled in the dark, I laid looking up at the ceiling of that living room and wished more than anything to be back home in my own bed. Where I knew who I was. Where I felt safe and loved. Where even if my brother teased me I could get back at him rather than feeling like I had to take it and pretend it didn’t bother me. Surrounded by these other girls, I felt so alone.
But I didn’t go home that night. I stuck it out, as miserable as I was, as unwanted as I knew myself to be.
Twenty years later and I feel like that girl again.
Here I am, almost packed for Blissdom. Fresh, shiny business cards ready to be handed out to any interested people. My netbook, my notebook, my super awesome new pens. My jeans and boots and dresses and pajamas (yes, Julie, I remembered to pack my pajamas – you’re welcome) all crammed into my overworked suitcase.
I’m heading to Nashville, glad to not be traveling alone (thank you, Kim), about to be surrounded by hundreds of women who get why I do what I do on this blog. Who know how it feels to want to be read, interacted with, appreciated for what they bring to the blogsphere and, on a grander scale, the world at large.
Never in my life have I felt like more of a fraud.
Because just like back in those days of my youth, I exist on the fringe, or at least I feel like I do. I’m not a mom, though I know some bloggers have at times assumed that I am, maybe because I interact with so many moms online. I don’t feel that I deserve the title “Food Blogger” because I’m not in the same league as the blogs and bloggers I adore. I don’t focus on my writing consistently enough to be a Writer. I don’t have a fancy camera with different lenses so I’m not a Photographer.
And let’s not even get started on the issues I carry around regarding my appearance.
I’m afraid that I’ll find myself in bed tomorrow night, or Friday or Saturday, wishing more than anything to be back home in my own bed. Where I know who I am, where I feel safe and loved. The thought of staying home is intoxicating, and the thought of meeting my friends (and the money I’ve spent thusfar) is what’s convincing me to go.
One thing I refuse to do is allow the past to color the present. I don’t want to walk into the hotel tomorrow afternoon already feeling like the odd girl out – I’ll be finished before I even get started.
But it doesn’t stop me from being afraid that history will repeat itself.
Thanks, Shell, for letting me Pour My Heart Out over this – I’d better get to see you in Nashville!
Well put! I hope I get to meet you this week. If I don’t run and hide in my hotel room.
Thanks! I hope we meet up as well. I might just walk up and down random hallways and knock on doors, introducing myself.
Just as I said to Greta, I am so proud of so many awesome bloggers because they are putting themselves out there . . . risking feeling alone in order to grow. I am proud of you. You are not that girl wishing she was at home in her own bed . . . you are a strong woman with an amazing blog who will go forth and have an amazing time meeting all sorts of other bloggers who are working about the same things.
I am proud of you for going for it!
Thanks, Jenn. What a sweet thing to say. You have definitely made me feel better today.
I get this. I do. But what I also know is that you are very, very, very awesome. And someone that everyone wants to know. Trust me. I don’t even like people and I like you.
XO
This made me laugh out loud. You always do that to me! You’re also the sweetest, ever. XO right back atcha.
You just spoke my fear, that I will be laying in bed wishing I was home. Only in my fear I have tears flowing down my face.
I cry. Hopefully not this week.
I love this post and how you covered your feelings so eloquently. I hope I get the chance to meet you in real life
@jenprays
Thank you so much – as much as I hate knowing that anyone else feels like this, there’s something to be said for feeling “not the only one”. Hopefully any tears from either of us will be happy tears – I’ve heard that tears do flow!
I hope very much that we meet as well.
((HUGS)) I know you will have a great time – and I completely understand where these fears come from. I hope that I can help you with everything you need to be comfortable there (especially if you would happen to get lost in the hotel, um…)
I’m here for you babe. And I pray that you will feel more at home than you expect.
Oh Jen. This is the most touching Blissdom post I’ve seen yet.
Just like you, I don’t fall into any of the TYPICAL blogging categories. I can’t call myself a mommy blogger because my only child is 21 and out of the house. I’m not a food blogger, and girl, the photos I take come from my iPhone and aren’t very good at all. But I blog because I love it, regardless of what “niche” I fall into on any given day.
You’ll do fine. Once you’re there, you’ll forget the anxieties. And if you don’t, you’ll still get through it. And you’ll be better for it. I’m sure of that!
I’m sure you’re right – anxieties will melt once I get there.
You make such a terrific point: It’s about doing what you love.
Thank you.
This one is a smash hit! Me,too, Jennifer, me, too!!!
Thanks!
Girl, I’m so excited to meet you! I think we all feel like frauds sometimes, but we’re all where we are and there’s nothing we can do about it (before Blissdom anyway). We get to choose what we take from this conference, which is awesome, and no one is going to be judging us. I’m pretty sure of that. You’re so lucky to have a friend and travel buddy!! See you soon (I hope)!
I get the anxiety. I even feel it, too. I wad a bit of a wreck yesterday.
But remember that everyone there gets the blogging thing. That helps!
I can’t wait to meet you!
I can’t wait either!
And yes, remembering that everyone else gets it is already helping, now that I think about it a bit more from my intellect and not my emotions.
I’m sure it helps that you are traveling with someone, so you are not alone! And I know you’ll have a great time at Blissdom. I hope that you’ll be Tweeting from there and will also post something about it when you get back!
I am SO GLAD to have Kim to fly with, you don’t even know. I’ll definitely be tweeting and posting!
I am just getting to know you and I would be thrilled to meet you if I were going to Blissdom. I don’t think you should try to box yourself into a niche. You are a blogger that who is true to who she is. That is what will make you fit right in with the bloggers that I know are going. They loved you and I trusted them by checking out your blog & Twitter. They haven’t steered me wrong yet! Enjoy yourself!!!
I’m sitting here beaming over your sweet words!! Thank you a million times for picking up my spirits and, let’s face it, making me blush a little bit.
If I didn’t like you before (which I did), this post certainly made me like you.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Almost every single person I’ve ever met in the blogging world is nothing more than a grown-up misfit (myself included). What makes these conferences so fun is because you can finally find a place with people just like you. I hope you have that experience!
This is so raw and heartbreakingly honest. I hope with all my heart that not one minute of Blissdom leaves you feeling like you did so many years ago.
For what it’s worth, I ALREADY like you. Meeting you won’t change that. Hope we see each other at Blissdom!
I know you’ll do great, Jen. Have fun!!
Awwww…I like you already, and I haven’t even met you yet! Can’t wait to see you this weekend!
Hugs,
Andee
It’s going to be okay. I know exactly how you feel.I went to my first conference without even having a blog and hid out in myprivate room the first night having a panic attack. But it turned out to be the best thing I could have ever gone to in so many ways. And youre lucky…you have room mates (eg instant friends). See you in a few hours!!!!
People are gonna love you!
I’d be feeling the same way. That’s probably why I avoid things like this.
This is your chance to be you… nothing more… nothing less!
Enjoy yourself.
I can’t imagine anyone not liking you! I do understand the fear about going though… but don’t worry…. you will meet some of the most wonderful, open, and kind women ever! It will be nothing like the sleep over from all those years ago!
Relax and enjoy the weekend!
I totally feel this. If I was going (and oh how I wish I was) I would totally feel the same way.
I think most of us get that misfit feeling.
I hope you enjoy Blissdom. Wonderful post!
I was that same girl at the slumber party when I was younger. I always felt like I didn’t quite fit in.
I really hope you have a great time at the conference!