I sortakindanotreallybutsorta announced this on Twitter…what was it, last week? I think it was last week at some point. The days tend to blur together when I’m sick.
(Also, can I take a moment and send a tip of the hat to Twitter and the fact that I miss being there so much but at the same time find myself much more productive without it?)
Anyway, I sortakinda made it a point to mention that I’ve lost 50 pounds. But I framed it in the context of the fact that I.absolutely.cannot.wait. to buy new clothes for the fall. Because I really can’t wait. Seriously, check out my Pinterest style board if you think I’m kidding.
To answer any questions which may have you raising your eyebrows:
Yes. A lot of this weight loss has to do with illness. But not all of it. I mean, it’s not hard to gain weight back after you’ve been sick. I managed to maintain my original loss over the course of the past 7 or so months and have lost since then.
No. This is not where I want to end up. I have at least 50 pounds to go before I reach the highest end of my “healthy” range. But it’s a nice start, right?
It’s nice to feel smaller. Today I wrapped my towel around myself after my shower and you know what? It closed all the way down. I can cross my legs in the car or on the train.
Sometimes I have to remind myself to cool my jets. Like, I’m not skinny. And I don’t want to be. I don’t think I even have the frame to carry “skinny” well. I’m broad and wide.
I’d rather be Sophia Loren, if given my druthers.
I keep saying to myself that I can’t wait to eat again. Because eating is a challenge when I’m coming off a bad flare. This morning, for instance, I ate half a muffin and felt like I was going to be sick. The other half still sits here, on my desk.
But you know something? The idea of being able to ever again eat with abandon scares me.
I scare me.
I’ve been doing a lot of work, most intensively over the past six months, on compulsive eating. How the ego plays such a huge part in the whole mess of addiction, the stories the ego feeds us which keep us in the same old patterns of victimization.
I know my issues. I’m working through them. And writing through them. 30k words and counting.
I do love eating healthy food. I’ve been embroiled in a tawdry affair with quinoa for some time now. I wish I could grow avocados because it would save a lot of money. I love juicing and making green smoothies.
But I’m still afraid.
Because I have gained it back in the past. I’m currently smaller than I’ve ever been in my adult life, but I’m not much smaller than I was around five years ago.
So it’s scary. Because I don’t want to go back there.
And I want to continue this love affair with good food. Because if there’s one blessing I can take from this horrible, ugly illness it’s the new relationship with nutrition which I’ve been forced into. And I want to share it with y’all!
I love the gentle understanding my body and I are coming to. Sometimes it’s one step forward, two back…but it’s progress. Before I got sick…again…I was doing some easy yoga in the mornings and stretching in the evenings. To connect with myself and be good to myself. Not to lose weight.
I’m trying to learn to like myself. I also need to learn to trust myself…
…as I put together my dream closet via Pinterest.
Have you ever gone through a big weight loss? How did you handle it?