Last week’s weight: 258 lbs

Today’s weight: 257 lbs

Well, it’s not the huge weight loss I’m used to seeing at the beginning of a new diet (when I was on Weight Watchers I lost 7 or 8 lbs the first week). But it’s a loss! And a sustainable one. Let’s look at the factors here:

1) I didn’t deprive myself – I still ate what I wanted, the entire time. Like the pasta I had at the Melrose Diner last week…and the pasta I had on Saturday night as well…and the pasta I had on Monday (okay, so this was a pasta-heavy week). Meatloaf and mashed potatoes. Sushi. You get the idea. Could I have lost more if I’d pared down? Of course! But I still lost because I didn’t completely overdo it all day long, all week long. In the daytimes I stuck to small meals and made sure I had healthy carbs + protein, which equals more fullness with less food. Plain oatmeal and a glass of milk. A hard boiled egg and carrots. Greek yogurt and fruit. You get the idea.

2) I ate only when I was hungry during the week and on Saturday as well. Saturday was easier because we were busy all day. Not so much on Sunday, though. Sunday was an “off” day, though I hadn’t planned it to be so. I need to work on keeping busy because that seems to help a lot. Still, one off day out of 7 is not too shabby.

3) I definitely could and should have moved more. I had planned on getting more presentable workout clothing over the weekend but that didn’t happen. Maybe this weekend? (Are you reading this, hon?) I know that once I start incorporating regular exercise into my routine the weight will start coming off even more easily.

I’m really happy that the scale moved in the right direction without me starving myself or feeling resentful in any way. Now I know that it can be done. Which is a good thing to know.

It’s so clear that I have the toughest time with eating when I’m completely bored. 

Today at work I barely even managed to eat my lunch (and not even the entire thing), whereas yesterday and the day before I was nearly dying of starvation and couldn’t stop thinking about food.  I actually didn’t even remember that I had a half a can of Progresso soup in the fridge until I was well on my way home.  I hope no one throws out the container it’s in…

The difference? I was busier than all get-out this afternoon, and was bored as heck the two days prior.

I’m trying to come up with ways to busy myself at home when I’m having a major craving.  Yeah, yeah, I know there are a million things I could be doing instead of eating.  Heck, all of the crafty blogs I’ve been exploring over the past few weeks proves that in abundance.  Still, it’s very tough to focus on anything else when your brain is telling you it’s time for you eat.  Now.  Lots.  Of whatever.

In other news…

I started to reread one of Geneen Roth’s books on the train tonight.  I loved how just a few pages put me back to where I was a few months ago, mentally.  Everything came flooding back, all the wisdom, all the knowledge.  What a great feeling.

The first thing I need to do is learn to be a bit more gentle with myself.  This goes in all aspects of life, not just weight loss or the attempt to become a healthier person.

Case in point: One night Rob and I were sitting on the couch and watching a movie, as we do so often.  On the floor across the room is a basket in which I have piled many skeins of yarn.  He said, “I love that basket.  I look at it and it makes me feel so homey”.  My immediate response: “Funny, I look at it and I think about all the projects I never completed”.

See the difference there? And that’s just one example of, like, a thousand and one.  It’s all about how you look at things.

So, how to be gentle.  The first part of this is to accept my body for what it is.  Everything about my body, whether it pleases me or not, IS a part of me.  It should be treated kindly, with respect.

The next part is being gentle with my inner self.  I know I haven’t always made the right choices when it comes to what I say I want out of life.  The choices I’ve made regarding food are in direct conflict with what I say I want my body to look like and how I say I want to feel.  However, as Geneen points out (and this makes so much sense to me), compulsive eating is always done as a way to take care of ourselves.

For instance, say you feel as though when you are thin you automatically need to be vivacious and energetic and charming? Say you feel that you need to be attractive to everyone you meet.  But in reality you’re an introvert who would rather spend a quiet night in than be the center of attention.  So what do you do? You eat in order to protect yourself from the spotlight you think you’re going to be in otherwise.  It’s self-preservation, while on the surface it looks like self-mutilation.  I don’t know, to me it just makes sense and is worth exploring.

How have I done this to myself in the past?

Can you think of a time you may have done this to yourself (and it doesn’t have to be about food)?

I had an interesting conversation with Rob tonight over dinner. After stopping by to visit his dad in the rehab center, we went to the Melrose Diner in South Philly.

Can I just take a moment here to wax rhapsodical about the Melrose Diner? It’s just…aahhhhhhhhhh. That sigh right there? The sigh of a contented person observing all manner of interesting and colorful characters, in an atmosphere that hasn’t changed in decades. Something in the unchangeable quality of places like that just does something for me. I love it. Oh, and the food is good, too.

Anyway, after eating dinner (I admit, I felt overly full when I was through, and I didn’t finish my entree…or my rice pudding…) Rob and I talked about weight loss. I was in despair – once again I had forgotten everything I was “supposed” to do and eaten spaghetti and meatballs*. And rice pudding. And I’m supposed to be LOSING weight! That’s what I said to Rob. “You know what I weigh, I posted it yesterday,” I said. He nodded. “Why do I do this?” I despaired.

“Because you like food,” he replied calmly. “We both like food. We enjoy sitting down to a big dinner. Think about it – some of the best memories you have are probably those of sitting around the dinner table with your family, and of Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas dinner.”

“Yeah, but for me, Christmas dinner is every day, that’s my problem,” I retorted sourly. Again I asked why I am the way I am.

“You like food, that’s all there is to it. Some people aren’t like that, and some people are,” he replied.

I wish it was as black-and-white for me as it is for him. Maybe he just truly loves food, and if that’s the case good for him. But I have to sat that I feel it’s different for me on some level. Loving food is one thing – eating to the point of illness is another. Plus there’s the eating out of boredom, sadness, loneliness, etc etc that I and so many other people do – there is work to be done there, the pinpointing of when that happens and why, and how to prevent it.

Still, my husband had a point. I do simply love food. I love making a big meal, it’s my way of showing love to others. I love the taste and smell and feel of food.

I just need to learn to love it and still love myself.

*The meatballs were clearly homemade, NOT purchased frozen from the store. I was in heaven. I mean, a diner making their own meatballs? Who does THAT? It was worth eating them if only for the joy that revelation brought to me.

Tomorrow is the big day. The day I bare it all (figuratively – you’re not gonna be seeing anything that only my husband should be seeing).

At first I thought it would be no big deal to reveal my weight like this. So rarely are women comfortable with that number, even if it’s an extremely reasonable one. The fib, they avoid, they dress themselves so as to conceal perceived flaws. No one walks around with that number hanging from around their neck unless they’re on “The Biggest Loser”.

Well I can say one thing with absolute certainty: This ain’t no “Biggest Loser” competition. You’re not going to see me losing weight hand over fist, just pounds and pounds disappearing all at once. It’s not going to work that way for any sustained period of time. I, like so many others, have crash dieted. And I’ve lost weight, fast. And gee gosh, it’s all back again! Go figure!

So, this is on my terms. I want to be fitter, I want to be slimmer, I want to be healthy inside and out. So no crash diets, no crazy exercise regime that’ll have me hurting myself. And no dieting.

GASP! No dieting?

No. I refuse to ever diet again. I am 30 years old and am at this moment breaking the dieting chains. At the heart of this issue, my weight, is the fact that I can’t deal with food in a healthy way. I need to learn how to do that. Until I do, no weight loss will ever be permanent. I’ll never know how to say “That’s not the best thing for me to be eating” if all I say when I’m losing weight is “I’m on a diet”. Once the diet’s over, what’s the excuse for passing up that second helping? And the issues that lay behind wanting that food so much won’t go anywhere, they’ll just be waiting to rear their ugly heads once my back is turned. So once again I say: No More Dieting.

Today’s food was just the same as yesterday’s, except I mixed up the order of my snacks (oooh, wild!) and had tuna instead of sardines. I’m truly a creature of habit. Dinner will most likely be pasta – but not much, since weigh-in is tomorrow and I really don’t need to add any more weight! I will be piling on any veggies I can get my hands on so as to make it more filling.