Pouring My Heart Out | The Misadventures of Mrs. B

Change is Hard

Jan 162013

Change…real, lasting change…is hard. Anyone who tells you different is trying to sell you something.

Are you the type of person who gets all revved up and excited about making a change, only to fizzle out shortly thereafter? And then you wonder why things didn’t work out this time…just like last time?

Yeah. Me too.

The reason I tend to fall short time and again is because change is an every-single-day-no-excuses sort of thing. When you commit to something, be it a new exercise program or organizational plan or marriage, you literally have to work on it every single day. Forever.

Meanwhile, I’m all about putting the effort in today. Maybe even tomorrow if I feel okay. But…like…three months from now? Seriously? I’ll still be doing this?

(Except for the marriage thing. That doesn’t bother me.)

This is toughest when it comes to changing my thought patterns. Anyone who has ever struggled with an eating disorder, chronic illness/disease or depression knows how thoughts can be their biggest enemy.

Well I deal with, or have dealt with, all of the above. I’m an over-achiever.

It just so happens, though, that I believe our thoughts influence our entire lives.

What we focus on is what dominates our lives, not the other way around. What we resist, persists.

If we focus on negative things, if we carry bitterness or resentment or anger, that’s literally all we’ll see around us. And what we see will only reinforce our core belief that yes, life totally sucks.

We all know a person like that. That person who takes everything, from a rainy day to a long line at the grocery store, as a personal issue. Who makes sure that everyone around them knows how miserable their life is.

And, lo and behold, that is always the person bad stuff consistently happens to.

No one feels good, inspired or energetic after spending time with that person, do they?

The alternative, then, is to be as much the opposite as possible. Grateful, energized, plugged in to life.

And so minute by minute, thought by thought, I’m working toward change. Love. Acceptance. Energy. Abundance. All that sparkly, jazzy, amazing stuff that makes life awesome.

And to that end I’m working on the new movement I’ve dreamed up, where we encourage each other to make choices every day which nourish and benefit us. I want to spread the good feelings, the positive vibes.

But change is hard. When you break it down to a thought-by-thought process, it’s really hard.

I can start a day off feeling positive and loving and very saintly (well maybe not saintly)…then someone irritates me or acts like a jacka** and BAM! My thoughts become a bit more…unloving. And if I’m not careful it all snowballs and before I know it I’m a huge ball of angry.

It ain’t easy.

Still – nothing worth doing is ever easy, is it? And every new moment is a chance to get it right this time.

Are you working towards changing some aspect of your life? Tell me about it, and how you stay on track – or if you need a little help from time to time.

And while you’re at it, join my #HonorMyself movement! Every Monday I’ll be posting about the positive, loving choices I’ve made and plan to make for myself, and I want you to share your own ideas. Let’s spread some self-love and change the world, one choice at a time.

Sharing this with my beautiful friend Shell over at Things I Can’t Say.

Hi, Hospital! I’m Back!

Thoughts 21 Responses »

Aug 082012

Well here’s a new one from me! A vlog!

I’ve never vlogged before, and it shows. You may want to up the volume since I wasn’t trying to attract attention from the nurses.

I was admitted to the hospital once again yesterday morning. And I’m sick of being here. And sick of being sick.

So here are some thoughts on that.

Thanks as always to Shell for letting me Pour My Heart Out.

Who Do You Write For?

Writing 26 Responses »

Jul 252012

An open letter to all of my blogging and writing friends out there…

Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons

Who do you write for?

The great question. One which every blogger asks him/herself from time to time, I’m sure.

If you’re fortunate enough to have an audience who loves your voice enough that it doesn’t matter what you say, you’ve hit paydirt and good for you.

Otherwise? Who are you really writing for?

As I told you in the past, I’ve been spending less time here because I’m working on a book. I’m also lucky enough to be working on a freelance job which takes up quite a bit of my time.

Because I need to write.

Be it here or in a Word document or as a ghostwriter talking about all sorts of random nonsense I would never have known anything about otherwise.

I might not always be saying what I want to say, but the stuff I have to write keeps me sharp for the stuff I want to write. Either way, I know I’m blessed to be writing at all.

And even if I never get paid to do it again, I’ll still write. Because it’s one of the few constant compulsions which has spanned the breadth of my life. It wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t supposed to be there.

Same goes for you.

The guiding force in our universe didn’t give you a way with words, my beautiful friend, if you weren’t intended to use that gift.

And it’s likely that you feel the need to use this talent. Because it’s inside you, wanting to get out. That’s the whole point. Your job on this planet is to express this gift for the good of others.

And there are others. No matter your message, no matter your story, if there is one other person who can relate…your job is done.

But you’re never finished. Because there are more stories inside you – a whole wealth of them, waiting to float gracefully or perhaps struggle to the surface.

And there will be other people out there, waiting to hear your voice even if neither of you knows it yet.

And if no one ever reads it but your family and friends, you’ll still be the winner in the end. Because one more person in the world made use of their talents instead of keeping them hidden away, and that kind of energy heals the world in time.

So do the world a favor. Write. Be it on your blog, in a bestselling book, in a journal.

Share your beautiful self, even if it’s not all beautiful. Because even though we’re all so different, at heart we’re fundamentally the same. We all get scared, we all feel ashamed of ourselves sometimes, we all feel goofy or horrible or funny or clever.

Let it out, and remind someone else that they’re not alone after all.

Get it all out there. Let writing be your therapy. Let it heal you.

Let it fire you up and give you a reason to bounce out of bed in the morning and a reason to smile with self-satisfaction when your head hits the pillow. So many people never get the chance to feel that way – don’t let your chance pass you by.

Just write. For you. Because you need to.

I’m sharing this with the lovely Shell at Things I Can’t Say – because don’t we all need to pour our hearts out from time to time?

Starting The GAPS Diet

Thoughts, Wellness Wednesday 17 Responses »

Apr 112012

Photo Credit

Friends, I’m on the verge of a major journey.

I’ve spoken before about my illness and the steps I need to take in order to function better and, if possible, heal.

Only problem is, UC is an autoimmune disease, and there’s no coming back from that. Masking the symptoms and striving for remission through drugs and other methods is the only way to go.

Well guess what? That’s not good enough for me.

Recently I was blessed to be introduced to The GAPS Diet. Basically it stresses a grain-free, sugar-free lifestyle in order to allow the intestine to heal and seal itself, while at the same time focusing on repopulating the gut with healthy bacteria in order to put things in better balance.

It makes sense that the only way to stop the symptoms is to heal the gut. Doesn’t it?

So over the past several weeks I’ve been doing a lot of research, reading a lot of blog posts and articles, watching hours worth of videos from doctors and diet devotees alike. And all signs point to me diving into this new lifestyle.

The good part is, it’s not for life. Most people see results within 2-3 years and can slowly reintroduce “regular” foods after that.

The yucky part is…well, you’ve met me, right? This is primarily a food blog. I like pasta. And chocolate. And buffalo chicken. And pasta again.

And like I told Rob last night, even though I might only eat a cheesesteak once or twice a year (and that’s a generous estimate), knowing that it’s out there if I want it is comforting. Knowing that I absolutely can’t have it is the hard part.

No flour, sugar, yeast, cured meats, chocolate (though there are conflicting stories on cocoa powder, but even then that’s an advanced food), almost nothing mass-produced or pre-packaged. As we’ve seen in the news a lot lately, sugar is in just about everything.

I’m not gonna lie. I’m grieving a little.

It helps that I love to cook, right? Mama’s gonna have to get creative up in here.

In the dark times, and I’m sure there will be many, I’ll need to remember that nothing is worth feeling this way. Nothing is worth the shame and embarrassment and pain and despair. The exhaustion and depression and fear while living with this disease. Absolutely nothing.

I hope to share this journey with all of you and that I can help others who are going through the horrors of UC or any of the other ailments which GAPS is supposed to be able to treat. I hope you come along with me.

Do you have to follow a special diet? Have you ever considered it?

I’m Pouring My Heart Out with Shell today – thanks again, friend!

How Much Is Enough?

Thoughts 24 Responses »

Mar 212012

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As bloggers, there’s one thing we have in common.

And it’s not a lack of quality sleep when reading “just one more post” turns into three hours of getting lost in our readers. Though that’s been known to happen, I’m sure.

We always want more, or at least wish for it. Be it more subscribers, more comments, more followers, more pageviews, more interaction, more opportunities.

Don’t you? I mean, I do. I’ll be honest.

Otherwise why do we blog? Certainly there’s something to be said for sharing a part of ourselves with others, and supporting them in return.

But that’s the thing. We want to share with people. Or else this would be called a journal and it would sit on the nightstand.

So an audience helps. A large, engaged audience helps even more.

What happens, then, when a blogger is trying to grow their blog and the time comes to set a goal?

Because I still want to grow and build and reach and stretch myself in new directions. And to do that, I need a goal and then a plan. There has to be a destination in sight before you can map out the route.

But what’s the difference between a goal and a fantasy? What’s reasonable? What’s attainable?

Once a goal is set, what’s the most efficient way to get there? And what happens after that?

Is there ever an end?

I’ve said it many times: I had no idea what blogging entailed when I started this blog three years ago. I had no goals and no plans.

Things have changed, of course.

But still I work in generalities. More is good. Bigger is better. That’s pretty much as concrete as it gets at the moment.

Now to figure out what that means and how to get there.

Maybe one day I’ll figure out what “enough” means.

Tell me: What is YOUR enough when it comes to blogging? Have your blogging goals evolved with time?

I’m Pouring My Heart Out with Shell over at Things I Can’t Say.

Facing My Fears At Krispy Kreme

Thoughts, Wellness Wednesday 38 Responses »

Mar 142012

Last week, I had an appointment with my specialist in Center City, Philadelphia.

Everything went fine but I do have an unpleasant procedure to look forward to in six weeks. I don’t even want to type the word here because I dislike it so much, so let’s just say that it starts with a “c” and ends in “-olonoscopy”.

Anyway.

I’ll take any excuse to walk around in town, and since I knew I had a half hour to kill between the end of the appointment and the next train to work, I did a little wandering.

Maybe it wasn’t really wandering. Maybe I walked with purpose. Maybe I made a bee-line for Krispy Kreme in the hopes that the hot light would be on.

Hey. I’d just been told I need yet another “c” “-olonoscopy”. The least the universe owed me at that moment was a fresh donut.

And the light was on and I took a picture and sent it to Rob and Instagrammed it and announced that I was going in.

And I did. And I ordered a hot one.

As I waited for my little piece of heaven in a polkadot bag to be handed over, I faced a dilemma. I didn’t have time to sit and eat if I wanted to make my train. Where would I enjoy the goodness?

This may sound like a silly question to anyone who doesn’t battle with body image/weight/food issues.

To the rest of us it’s a valid concern.

Something as innocent as walking down a city street while eating a donut is rife with anxiety. I didn’t want people to see me eating something so unhealthy. Or eating at all.

What would they think?

Look at that fat girl shoving that donut in her mouth. Why doesn’t she do herself a favor and put it down before she gets even fatter? It’s disgusting. She’s disgusting.

Then I realized the only person saying those things about me was me.

What a sad state of affairs.

Sure, someone else might notice. They might even raise an eyebrow or shake their head sadly. Who knows?

But then they’ll go right back about their business because we’re all the star in our own show. Our personal concerns are more important to us than some random person eating while walking down the street. Anyone who cares that much about someone else’s habits needs to find something more interesting to do.

So I ate the donut as I walked and ohmygoditwasthebestthingever. I sighed deeply in satisfaction, both with my breakfast and with myself.

Then 20 minutes later I discovered dried glaze on my chin for all the world to see.

But it was worth it.

Do you ever judge yourself as harshly as I did?

Sharing with the beautiful Shell at Things I Can’t Say, where she’s generously been letting her readers pour their hearts out for two years.

Also sharing with Liz and KLZ as part of #iPPP (iPhone Photo Phun).

Using My Gunpowder Effectively

Blogging 35 Responses »

Feb 292012

Something’s been brewing in my heart lately.

Of course it’s Blissdom related because I’ve given up hope of not having Blissdom on my mind for the next week or two. I’m just gonna go with it rather than waste my time fighting it.

I’ve already told you about my revelation regarding what I write and how much to share with you all – but this is something else entirely.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the opening keynote. First there’s Jon Acuff, whose book Quitters I’m trying to read as slowly as possible so as to let my brain marinate in the wisdom he’s sharing. That will be the topic of an upcoming post.

And you’re welcome for the mental image of my brain marinating, by the way.

We all know Jon was amazing. Much has already been said about how insightful and funny he was.

But there was another part of that opening session that I want to remember and keep at the forefront of my mind, always.

It was the gentleman who spoke in the video at the beginning. I can’t remember his name, being too busy fighting with the sketchy wifi to type.

But I do remember what he said. It probably applies to anyone who spends their time and energy trying to make a name for themselves.

To paraphrase, he said that using all of one’s gunpowder to fire a single cannonball at random is ineffective.

It’s much smarter to first fire bullets and see where they land in order to get the target squarely in your line of sight. Then you use the rest of your gunpowder to fire that cannonball, knowing now that you’ll strike.

Yes. He put it way better than I did.

But you get my point.

How many of us spend our time going in a million different directions? We try to get our names out there and lord knows there are enough ways to do it.

So we tweet, facebook, instagram, stumble and pin. We reply to comments, visit other blogs, post messages in forums, participate in linkups and memes.

All of this aside from crafting the best content possible.

And yet I for one feel like I’m only spinning my wheels.

I need to figure out where my time is best spent and use my gunpowder there. Make a map of where I want to be and how to get there, then follow it.

Maybe some of the frustration I’ve been feeling lately will be resolved once I do.

How about you? Do you spend your online time effectively? Or do you spread yourself too thin? What do you think works best for you in terms of self-promotion and interaction?

What If They Don’t Like Me?

Thoughts 33 Responses »

Feb 222012

I know I usually do Wellness Wednesday at this time of the week, but with Blissdom banging down my door I wanted to share some of the anxiety I’m feeling.

I remember my first sleepover. It was two doors down from my house, at the home of the girl I was best frenemies with. She was friends with all the “cool girls” in our class and they were invited, too. I felt so out of place, and I look back through adult eyes and know that even my friend’s aunt who was overseeing the party knew I didn’t fit in. I understand now that she rigged it so I would win a game we were playing, just so I could feel better about myself.

Later on, as everyone else whispered and giggled in the dark, I laid looking up at the ceiling of that living room and wished more than anything to be back home in my own bed. Where I knew who I was. Where I felt safe and loved. Where even if my brother teased me I could get back at him rather than feeling like I had to take it and pretend it didn’t bother me. Surrounded by these other girls, I felt so alone.

But I didn’t go home that night. I stuck it out, as miserable as I was, as unwanted as I knew myself to be.

Twenty years later and I feel like that girl again.

Here I am, almost packed for Blissdom. Fresh, shiny business cards ready to be handed out to any interested people. My netbook, my notebook, my super awesome new pens. My jeans and boots and dresses and pajamas (yes, Julie, I remembered to pack my pajamas – you’re welcome) all crammed into my overworked suitcase.

I’m heading to Nashville, glad to not be traveling alone (thank you, Kim), about to be surrounded by hundreds of women who get why I do what I do on this blog. Who know how it feels to want to be read, interacted with, appreciated for what they bring to the blogsphere and, on a grander scale, the world at large.

Never in my life have I felt like more of a fraud.

Because just like back in those days of my youth, I exist on the fringe, or at least I feel like I do. I’m not a mom, though I know some bloggers have at times assumed that I am, maybe because I interact with so many moms online. I don’t feel that I deserve the title “Food Blogger” because I’m not in the same league as the blogs and bloggers I adore. I don’t focus on my writing consistently enough to be a Writer. I don’t have a fancy camera with different lenses so I’m not a Photographer.

And let’s not even get started on the issues I carry around regarding my appearance.

I’m afraid that I’ll find myself in bed tomorrow night, or Friday or Saturday, wishing more than anything to be back home in my own bed. Where I know who I am, where I feel safe and loved. The thought of staying home is intoxicating, and the thought of meeting my friends (and the money I’ve spent thusfar) is what’s convincing me to go.

One thing I refuse to do is allow the past to color the present. I don’t want to walk into the hotel tomorrow afternoon already feeling like the odd girl out – I’ll be finished before I even get started.

But it doesn’t stop me from being afraid that history will repeat itself.

Thanks, Shell, for letting me Pour My Heart Out over this – I’d better get to see you in Nashville!

Wellness Wednesday: Candy and Consciousness

Wellness Wednesday 8 Responses »

Feb 152012

Hello there. Why yes, I would love to eat you.

Photo Credit

I don’t know about you, but one thing counting calories does for me is making me a whole lot more discerning when it comes to my food choices.

In other words, if I’m gonna waste calories on it, it’d better be good.

By good I mean something that didn’t come out of a vending machine. For example, let’s talk chocolate. I think it’s a fitting example seeing as how yesterday was the day of love and candy – and as I’ve told Rob a thousand times, I have no love for candy unless it’s chocolate. So there’s a good chance many of you have candy laying around now. Lucky you. And if not, it’s probably on clearance today, so…you might want to get on that.

Back to chocolate. Not only am I a candy snob, I’m a chocolate snob as well – or, as I like to call myself, a discerning customer. If I’m going to spend precious, hard-won calories on chocolate, it’s going to be a good dark chocolate that doesn’t break the bank. I’m talking Lindt or Ghirardelli squares. The best part is, one or two squares and I’m set. I don’t need handful upon handful as I would if I were eating, say, M&M’s or Kisses. So it works on more than one level.

Same thing with any sort of dessert. If I’m at a restaurant and I make the choice to get dessert, it had better be the best thing I’ve tasted in days or else I’m not eating it.

Not only that, but if I’m gonna spend calories on regular food, it’d better fill me up sufficiently.

Wait, what? Did you just say “Duh!”? Well, maybe it’s obvious to you – but not so much to me. I mean, it is. But it’s not.

There’s a level on which I know all of these things. It’s intuitive. I’m sure we all possess this knowledge, this power over what we take into our bodies, this understanding of how things should be.

So what happens? Why are so many people overweight?

In my case, it’s thoughtlessness. I go unconscious in a way and just start reacting to life – stress, boredom, loneliness, sadness – by eating. That’s just the way it is. I don’t think, I just eat. Other people smoke or drink too much or spend too much money on things they don’t need. I eat.

Along with being choosy, then, comes being present in the moment. Present when those familiar yearnings come knocking on my door. Not just mindlessly handing myself over but questioning where they’re coming from instead. Not running away from them or trying to ignore them, because what we try to ignore only grows stronger until it overcomes us (seriously, have you ever tried to ignore an itch?). Just figuring out what’s up in those critical moments and what I can do to give myself what I need – because what I need probably isn’t food.

Have you ever had to face a mindless habit? Did you overcome it? If so, what did you do?

Also, are you a candy snob like me? What’s your favorite kind?

Pouring My Heart Out with Shell today.

Wellness Wednesday: Dear Fat

Wellness Wednesday 31 Responses »

Feb 082012

Here I am again, Pouring My Heart Out with Shell. Have you ever taken the opportunity to pour your heart out with her and her amazing community of friends? You really should.

Photo Credit

Dear Fat,

We’ve been hanging out for a long time now. You might say we’ve been BFF. Inseparable. Wherever I go, there you’ve been. And we’ve made some long-lasting memories.

The shirt buttons strained. The stretched-out belts. The boots that wouldn’t zip.

Remember all the times we could barely fit on amusement park rides? What a knee-slapper.

And let’s not even get started on the bathing suits you’ve spilled out of, no matter what I did to disguise you. You little vixen! There was just no containing you.

Now I can’t see the keyboard because I’m laughing so hard I’m crying. Good times.

But let us not be mistaken – you’re not as generous as you’d have everyone think, you two-faced frenemy. Yeah. I’ve got your number.

Even as you’ve given so much of yourself, you’ve taken bits of me away in return – so stealthily I barely noticed until it was too late. You ran off with my confidence. My self-worth. My femininity. Not to mention my energy and vitality.

So I have to weigh (ha! Get it? ‘weigh’?) the pros and cons of our relationship.

What are the pros, really? I guess there was a time that I felt I needed you to shelter me. To wrap me up so I could hide. Ironic how a person can think that being huge will hide them somehow – but at the heart of things, there is an invisibility that comes with fat. You granted me that. Even though I don’t remember why I felt I needed you in the first place.

And so I thank you for that, and honor your presence because you did serve a purpose.

However…you’re sort of an over-achiever.

Now you’re killing me. Literally. Study after study has proven how you are linked to any number of terrible problems.

Dude. Not cool.

So really, what else is there for me to do but to break up with you?

I mean, of course you shouldn’t totally leave. I do need a little bit of you in order to survive. You can still leave a few things around, like a toothbrush and spare underwear, maybe a favorite book. But the bulk of your excess baggage has to clear out.

And while you’re at it, could you take the bag full of names like “worthless”, “lazy”, “ugly” and “weak” out to the garbage? I don’t need them anymore.

There has to be more room for me and less room for you.

I wish I could say I was sorry to send you packing, but that would be a lie.

Just like the lie I’ve told myself for so long – that I was better off with you than without you.

See ya never,

Whew. That felt good. Have you ever wanted to write a break-up letter like this? What would yours say?

Older Entries

Change is Hard

Hi, Hospital! I’m Back!

Who Do You Write For?

Courtesy of Flickr Creative Commons

Starting The GAPS Diet

How Much Is Enough?

Photo Credit

Facing My Fears At Krispy Kreme

Using My Gunpowder Effectively

What If They Don’t Like Me?

Wellness Wednesday: Candy and Consciousness

Photo Credit

Wellness Wednesday: Dear Fat

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