Yesterday, I told you about the dish that inspired me to start jogging on Saturday night, out of guilt more than anything else.

Months ago I talked about my dream of one day being “a runner”.  I feel like I’ve now moved one step closer to making that dream a reality.  Sure, jogging for a minute/walking for a minute is a slow start.  But we all have to start somewhere.

And now that I know it’s possible, there’s no going back.

In terms of inches I’ve lost a total of 6 1/4″ so far – including 2 inches off my butt (and I’ve measured very carefully, not pulling the tape tight, and always in the same spot, just to be sure I’m not getting false results).  Weight lost: 7 lbs.  Which leaves 83 lbs til I reach my goal.

I’ve read several posts this week pertaining to weight loss, body image, plans for turning it all around.  Seems as though I’m not the only one who’s tired of feeling tired and uncomfortable in my own skin.

But I think Julie summed up my feelings best.  It’s a mental and emotional game more than anything else.  You can lose all the weight you want, but if you don’t feel worthy of your own good health and slimmer body, it can be like a hollow victory.  Hence my losing almost 60 lbs, then regaining 45 of them.

When I lost the weight six years ago, I was simply desperate.  I worked at the gym for at least an hour, sometimes an hour and a half or even two, every night.  I was extremely careful about what I ate, to the point of obsession.  In other words, I went overboard.  And I thrived on the self worth the shrinking number on the scale gave me.  That’s what it was all about – that and the reaction of friends who hadn’t seen me in a while.  ”You’re getting so skinny!” was something I regularly heard  - and it felt amazing.

Of course I wasn’t skinny.  I was still 60 lbs overweight.  But it was a big change from where I’d started out.

So what’s different now? Easy.  Losing weight, while important, is a side effect, a smaller part of the larger whole.  I want to be healthy.  Vibrant.  Energetic.  Fully alive.  I want to know what it feels like to have the wherewithal to do everything I want to do.  To work as hard as I know I need to work to get where I know I need to go.  I deserve that much.  I deserve the work it’s going to take.

Because it’s 2012 and life’s too short.

Photo Credit

Once again, I’m Pouring My Heart Out with Shell.

Thanks, Shell, for letting me Pour My Heart Out with you today!

2 1/2 weeks into my eating right + exercise lifestyle and I’m happy to say that I’m feeling better every day.  I’m sleeping much more soundly, I’m much more clear headed (at least until late afternoon but hey, it’s a step in the right direction) and I generally feel like I can handle what the day throws my way.  This was not always the case.

I’m also happy to say that I’m feeling better after my latest flare.  So there’s another positive.

My day’s meals generally consist of the same types of things – smoothies, oatmeal, lean protein like eggs and tuna, soups, yogurt, nuts – and I’m counting calories religiously.  Dinner is whatever we’re eating that night, really – just less of it than before.  I always feel the urge to snack at night and usually give in with pretzels or, more recently, a Weight Watchers ice cream bar – and I don’t feel guilty because I keep a couple hundred calories set aside for such instances.

I’m trying to be smarter about my choices within my calorie allotment, as well.  Carbs are still an issue for me, so I’m making it a point to choose which form I prefer.  For instance, tonight we’ll be eating chicken tikka masala with rice.  I won’t be having any naan with it because, well, it’s not worth the calories and besides I’m already eating rice.  Same thing with my pasta + bread habit.  The new mantra is: “Either/or.  Not both.”

In terms of workouts, I’ve been walking.  A lot.  Miles at a time.  If you’ve ever seen me mentioning (bragging) about it on Twitter you know this.  ;)  I have a treadmill but have been taking walks at lunch too.  I also own a Gazelle and have fun working on that.

I’m starting to incorporate strength training in, but a little at a time and basic things such as modified push-ups, squats, etc.  We do own free weights – I just have to dig them out of the garage.

So things are good.  Feeling good, sleeping better, good outlook, more energy, and even a clearer and brighter complexion.

Notice, though, that there’s a “but” in the title of this post.  Because there’s still one issue looming over my head and really discouraging me at the moment:

The fact that I’ve only lost 2 pounds so far.  2.  In 16 days of exercising and counting calories.

I know that the main goal here is feeling good and making healthier choices.  I do and I am.  I know that 2 pounds in a little more than 2 weeks is a reasonable and healthy amount of weight to lose.  I get it.

But to get on that scale and see the same number staring back up at me…it’s disappointing.  Because at the end of the day, who doesn’t want to be slimmer? Being slimmer is a huge part of my plan, and vital to my health.

I took my measurements a week ago and plan to take them again next week.  I’m hoping to see a difference, even if the scale doesn’t reflect much more than it is now.  I need that “gold star”, if you will.  Because I can be as energetic as possible, bounding out of bed every morning while trilling a song to the squirrels and birds perched on my sill…but if I’m still wearing the same old size 18-20 pants, some of the joy will be lost.  I can’t help feeling that way.

Any advice? Workouts you swear by? I’m sure I need to challenge myself more.  HELP!